Observer-Reporter forum

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

[quote="

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

__________

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

__________

A young son asked,

"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

__________

Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

__________

"A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him ,

and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after

a few minutes.. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are

able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the

ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you

put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,

we'd be riding the bus, so shut the heck up."
=

SSSS · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:49 pm Post subject:

_________________
Always drink upstream from the herd!

OndinitaAKALibchit · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject:

_________________
"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it." -Mohandas Gandhi

"We are reformers in spring and summer; in autumn and winter we stand by the old -- reformers in the morning, conservatives at night...Conservatism goes for comfort, reform for truth." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Only in growth, reform and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found."" --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

People are not perfect, except when they smile... Smile

Proud Member NDA

amom · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 2:46 pm Post subject:

_________________
-amom

"Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding." - Albert Einstein

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

[Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

OndinitaAKALibchit · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:33 pm Post subject:

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

[quote="

The Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Cylinsier · Expert Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 9280 Location: Oh shi-

_________________
All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Prejudice is opinion without judgment. -Voltaire
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. -George Washington
I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. -Richard Dawkins
The Elliptical Press | Proud Member NDA | RIP Freya | Registered Emocrat

OndinitaAKALibchit · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:07 pm Post subject:

_________________
"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it." -Mohandas Gandhi

"We are reformers in spring and summer; in autumn and winter we stand by the old -- reformers in the morning, conservatives at night...Conservatism goes for comfort, reform for truth." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Only in growth, reform and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found."" --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

People are not perfect, except when they smile... Smile

Proud Member NDA

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/ap/20091031/capt.4aae9311eced4586afadbfc33942f56c.sumo_cycling_utsw102.jpg

Team members of Spin Cycle Racing out of Salt Lake City enjoy a ride on their 4th annual Halloween 'Sumo Ride' Saturday, Oct. 31, 2009 in Salt Lake City. The annual event organized by Ken Webster, amused motorists with a group of 13 riders, up from 3 in it's inaugural year.
[/img]

OndinitaAKALibchit · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject:

Gross!! Hehe
_________________
"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it." -Mohandas Gandhi

"We are reformers in spring and summer; in autumn and winter we stand by the old -- reformers in the morning, conservatives at night...Conservatism goes for comfort, reform for truth." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Only in growth, reform and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found."" --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

People are not perfect, except when they smile... Smile

Proud Member NDA

amom · Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:24 pm Post subject:

Thankfully those are costumes!
_________________
-amom

"Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding." - Albert Einstein

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

[quote="

Elvis and MJ are alive and well in Amity

http://www.angrywhiteboy.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/elvisandmj.jpg

OndinitaAKALibchit · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 10:18 am Post subject:

busdriver · Professional Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 1695

[

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I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable) And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.