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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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[quote="
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
__________
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
__________
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him ,
and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after
a few minutes.. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are
able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the heck up."
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SSSS Journeyman
Joined: 13 Oct 2008 Posts: 3753 Location: Wash PA
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:49 pm Post subject: |
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_________________
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OndinitaAKALibchit Journeyman
Joined: 05 Oct 2009 Posts: 3883 Location: Where the sun don't shine! ;-)
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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_________________ "If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I’m proud to say I’m a 'Liberal.'" ~ Senator John F. Kennedy 9/14/1960
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amom Mod
Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 2753 Location: You can't get here from there
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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_________________ -amom
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
- Will Rogers |
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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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[Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
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OndinitaAKALibchit Journeyman
Joined: 05 Oct 2009 Posts: 3883 Location: Where the sun don't shine! ;-)
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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busdriver wrote: | [Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! _________________ "If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I’m proud to say I’m a 'Liberal.'" ~ Senator John F. Kennedy 9/14/1960
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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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[quote="
The Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Last edited by busdriver on Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Cylinsier Master
Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 13229 Location: Oh shi-
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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_________________ The end is nigh! OR forums die APRIL 1. Don't lose contact! Join the forums at bogsource.com now! |
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OndinitaAKALibchit Journeyman
Joined: 05 Oct 2009 Posts: 3883 Location: Where the sun don't shine! ;-)
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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_________________ "If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I’m proud to say I’m a 'Liberal.'" ~ Senator John F. Kennedy 9/14/1960
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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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OndinitaAKALibchit Journeyman
Joined: 05 Oct 2009 Posts: 3883 Location: Where the sun don't shine! ;-)
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Gross!! Hehe _________________ "If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I’m proud to say I’m a 'Liberal.'" ~ Senator John F. Kennedy 9/14/1960
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amom Mod
Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 2753 Location: You can't get here from there
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thankfully those are costumes! _________________ -amom
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
- Will Rogers |
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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:53 am Post subject: |
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[quote="
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
The search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Last edited by busdriver on Mon Nov 23, 2009 2:29 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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OndinitaAKALibchit Journeyman
Joined: 05 Oct 2009 Posts: 3883 Location: Where the sun don't shine! ;-)
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 10:18 am Post subject: |
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I knew it!!!!! _________________ "If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties ... if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I’m proud to say I’m a 'Liberal.'" ~ Senator John F. Kennedy 9/14/1960
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busdriver Journeyman
Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497
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Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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[quote="
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
The search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. |
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