Observer-Reporter forum

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'msmarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

-----

This is too funny!! Out of the mouth of babes and into the minds of adults!!

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

for me,phony and farmer

1955 - Can you believe this? 1955

Comments made in the year 1955!

(That's only 54 years ago!)

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible
To buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?

It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price,
I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '

'When I first started driving, Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays..
I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
To watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore,
At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids too!

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

The phone rings and the lady of the house answer.

"Hello?

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sander, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When you husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sander asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for
these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop you husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

dumb farmer · Amature Joined: 30 Sep 2008 Posts: 232

Busdriver I just noticed you comment today. I can remember all that stuff about 1955 better than I can remember yesterday. I had a TIA about 8 years ago and lost my memory for a day and it hasn't been worth a damm sence. The guys that I worked with used to tease me that I could hide my own Easter Eggs. I bought my first new car for $2550.

We have a lot of pictures in our old brains that none of these young guys on here will never see. When an older person dies its like closing down a library. I only have a couple of aunts left to get information from.

dumb farmer · Amature Joined: 30 Sep 2008 Posts: 232

How come I can only see my mistakes after I submit my comments? It must be my computer. Maybe I need a new one. Laughing

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM .

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Brant · Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:09 pm Post subject:

I have to confess that I have done the second thing on that list. Embarassed

_________________

The priests of the different religious sects dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight.

- Thomas Jefferson

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

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Fw: Cowboy Boots---very cute

This is just funny!

The Cowboy Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

SSSS · Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 1:37 pm Post subject:

Bus-I LIVE by numbers 6 and 7
_________________

Cylinsier · Master Joined: 29 Sep 2008 Posts: 13229 Location: Oh shi-

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an sweetheart.

and

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim baker and jimmy swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .........
' Ministers Do More Than Lay People '

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, ' I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid. '

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment....for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

and

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

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T. B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a
local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of
torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from
the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to
get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one
Australian, American or Canadian life, then I have only three things to say,' :

'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.

busdriver · Journeyman Joined: 16 Mar 2009 Posts: 3497

Not funny, but did you know??????

You Would Never Have Guessed

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 at age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) His death reminded me of the following story.

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima There is only one higher Naval award.... the Medal Of Honor!

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.

Dialog from 'The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson': His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, 'Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded.'

'Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo . I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, 'Where'd they get you Lee?' 'Well Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!'

Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.
The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo.'

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps.. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat

After the war Mr.. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.
Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst.
Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

Brant · Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:09 pm Post subject:

Bus, loved the neologisms, but I have to tell you that the other stuff is urban legend material. That old chestnut supposedly by T.B. Bechtel has been attributed to elected officials from Florida to Texas to, apparently, across the world in Australia. Captain Kangaroo, while a lovely fellow, was not a war hero, and Mister Rogers never served a day in the military. But they're good stories. Wink

_________________

The priests of the different religious sects dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight.

- Thomas Jefferson